and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
