Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Let's paint friendship bongs
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
