my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
