I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize