i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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