I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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