I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
