you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
