She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
