why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
