she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
