a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
