"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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