You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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