Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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