is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize