Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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