Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
