just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
