alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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