My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
