so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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