got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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