hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
