I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
