I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
