I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
