I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
