Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sarcasm needs its own font
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
