Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
