nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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