Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
