I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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