Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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