That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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