im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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