This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
