a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
