You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
