I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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