and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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