what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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