My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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