We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm like, not good at living.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
