We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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