She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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