It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
its liver damage thursday
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
