Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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