he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
