You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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