youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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