He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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