I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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