Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize