I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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