Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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