see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
