Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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